in search
In the last few months something within myself changed. I somehow lost my belief that whatever happens will happen for a reason and will turn to good in the end. This has always been my source of self confidence and confidence in the world in general. But more and more over the lat months I got afraid of things I actually shouldn't even think about.
It felt strange as it was a feeling I have never had so far in my life. Fear
I was searching for a reason and I think I found a possible path towards it. As some of you might know I am not really a spiritual person. I am as well not a religious person. In fact I don't believe in god or any higher force. I don't believe in ghosts, angels or any other higher universe that is somehow not understood by us. I always try to explain all spiritual things in an empirical and scientific way which of course is not working out, neither is it the way it should be done. I simply lack this natural belief in something, whatever it might be...
In the last years this "non-belief" has developed even further and I think that is exactly the problem. And that in my opinion is as well the cause for my challenges in the last few months. Believing that everything in the end makes sense, that every mistake and everything that you do wrong in the end comes to a positive meaning in my opinion is essential for giving sense to life. It seems I understand all that and still I cannot change it.
I am in search at the moment, in search of something I don't know and something I cannot understand. Actually I guess it is something that I will never understand, but maybe something I once can believe in.
I got to know a monk some weeks ago at the academy of life. And even though we didn't talk in person he still inspired me a lot. He is working at a monastery called "Europakloster". He was not talking at all about what this monastery does, but when I had a look on the homepage I was really really amazed and inspired. It's a place for a retreat, a place where you can find what you are searching for - whatever it is. I might be going there soon to take this retreat... here are some questions that they would like to answer as the believe those are questions important to invidividuals but as well important to religions or nations
- What is essential in my life?
- How does my life path look like?
- What is my vocation?
- What values are important in my life
- How do I cope with my current life situation
"We call ourselves Europa Benedictines" as we we consciously - with our entire life - would like to be a sign for a Europe, in which the variety of people and peoples is not an obstacle, but a chance for a fulfilled life"
3 Comments:
I was just reading your note and thought to myself this is exactly what has gone through my mind in the last few months. I've always believed that things happen for a reason in life and that even if you don't see it in the beginning, it will work out in the end. Somehow in the last few months I've found myself doubting it strongly, I no longer know if I can believe that...What if life really is like a butterfly effect? What if things don't always happen for a reason? What if you just make a mistake and screw up a great opportunity for yourself?
I don't want to lose my belief, so I as well have a lot of searching to do. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I was doing the same thing :)
And i was asking myslef the same questions. What if things dont work out for me on the end?
The thing that i concluded till now, and that is giving me the confidence that you were talking about, is that noone can stop me from trying and giving my best.
Things might not work out only if you give up from the things you want.
Someone said that you can only connect the dots of life looking backwards. I say i will create the dots looking forward.
Sounds familiar. I was "in search" for a good 15 years of my life I think. It is a excrutiatingly painful experience that will not be answered even if you beg for it to be answered. I was so angry for a long time for not being able to understand what I was here for.
There was a time in my life that I felt everything happened for a reason but I do not anymore. I have not become cynical but I just realized that things are beyond control sometimes.
About God and faith, I wrote something about it a few months back in my blog: http://ericaberica.nomadlife.org/2007_09_01_archive.html
(the one about being life fair)
Good luck on your search. :) Hope we can talk about life soon.
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